bad news will kill us all!

CHICAGO - The world is in shock as news sinks in.

"It's only a matter of time before bad news kills you and everyone you know." said Dr. Paul Rathburg, a University professor who is the spokesman for the World Health Organization.

Contact with, or even being in the proximity of bad news is known to trigger acute farty residue, screaming whoopers, and a deadly soup of bacteria called gumbo that shoots out of your nostrils.

"We know that bad news needs little time to reach sufficient levels to kill,"

The first victim was a young man who had a web design job, and worked for a well respected university. "He was perfectly fine when he went to work," Rathburg said in a telephone interview.

"After about 15 minutes, he had a case of screaming whoopers and collapsed on the floor. The autopsy clearly indicates he died from exposure to bad news," said Rathburg, who would not disclose the man's name or the precise place and time of his death for privacy reasons.

Rathburg said the man had perfect health. He had made four visits to his doctor in the year before his death for treatment of prickly hot desert rash, which may also be related to bad news.

From this seemingly insignificant exposure, bad news spread death quickly and efficiently throughout the town and expanding beyond state borders. Days later, the deaths have swept across the globe. Scientists believe bad news is an international issue and it should be treated as a very serious problem. "Nothing can prevent future deaths. We now know, bad news will kill everything." Dr. Rathburg stressed.

Exposure to bad news causes about 1.6 million deaths in adults in the United States each year, according to the World Health Organization, and this number doubles each year.

"This bad news is a horrible death. There's no doubt, bad news will kill us all." Rathburg said as he burst into tears.

A tragic day for the world as we try to understand the final impact this will have on mankind.