bad news will kill us all!

CHICAGO - The world is in shock as news sinks in.

"It's only a matter of time before bad news kills you and everyone you know." said Dr. Paul Rathburg, a University professor who is the spokesman for the World Health Organization.

Contact with, or even being in the proximity of bad news is known to trigger acute Nerf-ball like knee-protrusions, prickly hot desert rash, and a deadly soup of bacteria called gumbo that shoots out of your nostrils.

"We now know that bad news will kill, again and again and again, until none of us are left."

The first victim, "Victim Zero", was a young man who had a web design job, and worked for a well respected university. "He was perfectly fine when he went to work." Rathburg said in a telephone interview.

"After about 15 minutes, he had a case of prickly hot desert rash and collapsed on the floor. The autopsy clearly indicates he died from exposure to bad news." Rathburg would not disclose the man's name or the precise place and time of his death for privacy reasons.

"Victim Zero" had perfect health. He had made four visits to his doctor in the year before his death for treatment of grapey sores. Rathburg mentions that there may not be a connection between the two incidents, but the WHO is investigating.

From this seemingly insignificant exposure, bad news spread death quickly; killing most of the town. An emergency team was assembled in response to the situation, organized by Rathburg.

"We are almost certain bad news is contained, however the perimeter could be breached without any notice. We believe this is an international issue and it should be treated as a very serious problem. Nothing can prevent future deaths." Dr. Rathburg stressed.

Exposure to bad news is fatal, and scientists warn everyone to keep away from bad news.

"bad news may be the most horrible thing I have ever witnessed. There's no doubt, bad news will kill us all." Rathburg said as he sobbed into the telephone.

A tragic day for the world as we try to understand the final impact this will have on mankind.